When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.
--Marcus Aurelius

I wish I had a disease that would one day get better.

If my body is just a shell, I wish I had chosen one with a few less nicks and cracks.

There are two parallel universes I'm traveling between -- my life, with my friends and my goals, and insecurities, and hopes, and daydreams, and my hospital life, with nurses and doctors and that constant nagging feeling of being isolated from the world.

During some admissions, it feels that I wait to receive discharge papers before I hit the pause button again and return to living.

But I'm learning how to adjust my 'lives'. The life before CF and the life after. If such a divide has ever existed.. I still have my mind, my thoughts, my soul, my compassion, my creativity, and my breath. But most of all, my drive. CF hasn't taken any of that away.

So yes, I'm Renu, I have CF, and I'm facing a transplant. But I am not CF.

Every woman is a rebel and usually in wild revolt against herself.
-Oscar Wilde

I want to be unapologetic. I want to jet through life and leave a trail of smoke and turned heads. I never want to settle into the predictability and comfort of life.

That may be put on hold until my Benadryl induced catatonic state subsides. A direct push into my port, and I feel a complete detachment from my body and within seconds, despite my brain's firm refusal to give in, I can almost feel it flowing in my veins, and I find my body settling nicely into the blankets and my head falling against the pillows.

This lack of energy has me frustrated. I want stimulation, I want to breathe life into my bones, and muscles, and faulty lungs. I want to stop the blood before it clogs my airways and comes pouring out of my mouth. I want a medical revolution.

But first, sleeeeep.

I wish I could wave my hands and reject the negativity. I'll study Maggie Gyllenhaal until I get it right.