Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Saturday, March 17, 2012
I realize that at times, specifically when I’m hospitalized, I find myself longing for my ‘hospital’ life to end, and for my ‘real’ life to continue in its place.
Well…. If I’m going to be honest with myself and the internet world, I also have a hard time with acceptance, and change, and accepting change. So for my life to once again revolve around admissions is a struggle for me to adapt to, and I’m enduring an inner battle of wills - to accept my life for exactly what it is, and to be okay with exactly where I am, or to continue being frustrated with my circumstances, and caught in a tangle of anxiety and impatience.
I’d like to think that this is a good chance for me to really dig deep and identify my less attractive tendencies and work on them. But in reality, I wish life were simpler, and that improving as a human being was easier, less work, more ‘instant’ progress.
Ideally I’d wake up tomorrow and be patient; open to the idea of my health’s uncertain evolution. And I’d have perfect teeth and a nicer bum.. And I'd be sunbathing in New Zealand right now, or perhaps in the south of France...
But I’m realizing that this life is a learning life, and I’ve been handed an odd hand because some part of me is capable of not just accepting it, but thriving.
Accepting that my physical limitations may be more real some days than others, and that it’s not my fault that this disease progresses. THAT is a tough one. I tend to blame myself for my body’s inability to cure itself.
Accepting that my life is never on hold, it’s just a different life than the one I would perhaps choose for myself. That hospital life is “real” life, and the sooner I begin to accept that, the easier the experience of being a patient will be.
That acceptance doesn’t mean giving up. Surrendering to what life hands me is the hardest thing I’ve ever even thought about doing, because that would mean that I’d have to forfeit control, or what little control I’d like to think I have… and that’s terrifying. Letting go is much more difficult than holding on, although it’s also exactly what I should be doing.
Surrendering my trust to the universe. Trusting that my life is exactly as it should be, just as it is.
This, my friends, is a work in progress.
Well…. If I’m going to be honest with myself and the internet world, I also have a hard time with acceptance, and change, and accepting change. So for my life to once again revolve around admissions is a struggle for me to adapt to, and I’m enduring an inner battle of wills - to accept my life for exactly what it is, and to be okay with exactly where I am, or to continue being frustrated with my circumstances, and caught in a tangle of anxiety and impatience.
I’d like to think that this is a good chance for me to really dig deep and identify my less attractive tendencies and work on them. But in reality, I wish life were simpler, and that improving as a human being was easier, less work, more ‘instant’ progress.
Ideally I’d wake up tomorrow and be patient; open to the idea of my health’s uncertain evolution. And I’d have perfect teeth and a nicer bum.. And I'd be sunbathing in New Zealand right now, or perhaps in the south of France...
But I’m realizing that this life is a learning life, and I’ve been handed an odd hand because some part of me is capable of not just accepting it, but thriving.
Accepting that my physical limitations may be more real some days than others, and that it’s not my fault that this disease progresses. THAT is a tough one. I tend to blame myself for my body’s inability to cure itself.
Accepting that my life is never on hold, it’s just a different life than the one I would perhaps choose for myself. That hospital life is “real” life, and the sooner I begin to accept that, the easier the experience of being a patient will be.
That acceptance doesn’t mean giving up. Surrendering to what life hands me is the hardest thing I’ve ever even thought about doing, because that would mean that I’d have to forfeit control, or what little control I’d like to think I have… and that’s terrifying. Letting go is much more difficult than holding on, although it’s also exactly what I should be doing.
Surrendering my trust to the universe. Trusting that my life is exactly as it should be, just as it is.
This, my friends, is a work in progress.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
