"What a surprise to the caterpillar, when the call to be quiet, contemplative and still, results in the ability to fly."

oh, yeah;;

Since sometimes things are best expressed in a blunt, perhaps crude manner...
Tonight scared the shit out of me.

I had nearly forgotten that my lungs were diseased. I really dislike that word, disease(d), so instead, I'll refer to my lungs as being held hostage by a mutant defect living on chromosome seven.

So, yeah, I forget.

I forget the drab hospital furniture, the food trays that get placed on my bed thrice daily that I eat from while feeling sorry for myself for scarfing down prison style breakfast/lunch/dinner on my bed, by myself, with my TV for company and my IV drip on sloooow.

I forget the drug reactions, the chest pain, the nausea, the headaches, the insomnia, the goddamn, and I really mean THE GODDAMN, constant, erratic beeping of the IV pump at all. hours. of. the. night.

The overeager-to-please intern at six in the morning. The team that rounds bedside at eight. The chest physical therapy at nine. Etc, etc, etc, for fourteen days.

It blissfully floats away from my mind the second I feel that dopey high from my signature on the discharge papers.

Tonight, however, I coughed up about a pint of blood.

BOOM.

I remembered every goddamn (GODDAMN) detail.

mix tape extraordinaire;;

Dear _________,

I don't always have the right words. And sometimes I trip over my thoughts. But despite everything, and I do mean everything, you still make me smile. And isn't that what it's all about?

Finally Moving - Pretty Lights
Wagon Wheel - Old Crow Medicine Show
Bohemian Grove - State Radio
Stay The Same - Bonobo
My Guru - Kalyanji Anandji; Thicker Than Water Soundtrack
Ocean - John Butler Trio
Real Life - Tanlines
Je Pense A Toi - Amadou & Mariam
Home - Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
Furr - Blitzen Trapper
Everything Is Free - Gillian Welch
Heart of Gold - Neil Young
This Time Tomorrow - The Kinks
All My Days - Alexi Murdoch
You Really Got A Hold On Me - She & Him
Dark End of the Street - The Flying Burrito Brothers
Above the Bones - Mishka
Say Hey (I Love You) - Michael Franti & Spearhead
One Track Mind - Johnny Thunders & The Heartbreakers

..happy listening, ears!

Recap.







Don't fuck with our french toast.

in memory;;

One whole year.

There's always something left unspoken, something that I remembered only after you were gone that I wished I could have said. I wish you knew that those gloves were hiding under the couch the entire time. I wish you knew how much you were loved. I loved your home, and your pups, and your laugh. I loved our chats and hearing about your life. I loved that you enjoyed the stories I told about mine. I loved your cooking, and when we shared cheese fries. I loved showing you pictures of my life, and looking at snapshots of yours.

I miss what our family used to be.

Love,
the middle granddaughter,
Renu

contemplating;;

I am still trying to wrap my mind around much cigarette smoke I inhaled last night.

I put myself in an unknowingly uncomfortable position, and as much as I'd love an excuse to rail against the Florida smoking laws, I opted to stay in a smoky venue for 3+ hours. Shame on me.

It's an all-encompassing frustration, though. It's not just the cigarettes, or the spilled beer on my shirt, or that guy behind me who kept apologizing for almost catching my hair on fire with his joint, it's that in a normal situation, if I was healthy, I would be laughing about last night, instead of in a near panic about my lung function. The crowd was riotous, no doubt, but nothing that I wouldn't expect from such a show. The pit was insane and it took a lot of effort by my petite self to stay afloat and find a safe corner. That's normal. And fun! And to be expected. I love shows like that.

...but cigarettes?

This is what I try so hard to avoid, I rally so hard against, and here I was, two+ hours from home with a girl who flew from Massachusetts to see this show, and a venue with no re-entry.

I'm swimming against the tide on this one. Smoking might be too big for me to handle.

I blinked and we were all grown up.
Literally, five days ago I woke up and asked my mom to let me wear my pink jumpsuit with the kitties on it, for the tenth day in a row.



The Hicks & Smiths joined us at the Naples abode for a few days of R&R. I was able to meet my cousin's baby, Addison. She's an amazing mother, and has fallen into the role with such ease. But I still picture Kristin as the seventeen year old with the fun car that had the loud stereo who bought cherry red high heels and drove around with me for hours until we lost our voices from singing along to Ludacris's fine rhymes at two in the morning.

The only singing we did this time was a song about 'baby beluga in the big blue sea'. And I must say, we sang the shit out of it.

“Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.”

-C.S. Lewis

I can't stop laughing.
Oh god.
She let me wear my chain and my turtleneck sweater.
Ahahaha.
It kills me.

a new year;;

I love that once a year we're given the opportunity to wipe our slates clean and recreate ourselves. Or keep going as we were. That's a privileged opportunity.

What do I want out of this year.

Healthiness, this year, last year, always. A chance to experience life as a healthy person would - with deep breaths and a strong body.

Happiness, per usual.
Peace of mind.
New experiences, big and small. To appreciate them both equally and for what they are.
Rich foods and strong teas, in small doses.
To try new things. I've written myself a small list including, but not limited to:
- take a drive along route 66
- try to kiteboard, surf, and/or paddleboard
- bouldering

And lastly, but never least, I'm gonna hula-hoop this year.
..for real this time.