It always ends up to one thing, honey,
and I can't think of right words to say.
Wherever I am girl, I'm always walking with you.
I'm always walking with you, but I look and you're not there.
Whoever I'm with, I'm always, always talking to you.
I'm always talking to you, and I'm sad that,
you can't hear, sad that you can't hear.

-Cat Stevens

I've got this gypsy blood, see, and it won't settle me down, or let me free.
I'm bound to wandering, to floating, to letting life be.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.
-Alexander Pope

The weight is slipping off my bones.
My family is supportive:

'Renu, you're starting to look like that Olsen twin.'
'What?'
'You know, the skinny one, Ashley? Mary-Jane?'
'Mary-Kate.'
'Yeah, her. The anorexic twin. You look like her.'
'Thanks, Mom.'
'Mhmm.'

I drove through town with the sunroof open, and not a care in the world.
An old mix tape was playing while I hummed along, on and off key.
Not for the first time did I miss you.
I wandered around campus, found a bench with my name on it, and pulled on some woolen gloves. With my headphones in place, and Siddhartha in hand, I wasted time.
My IV ran in while Bailey explored the vast land of Back Yard, and I sipped a cup of tea. The sun was bright, so I wore my 'vintage' shades and imagined living in the '60s.
I styled my hair for a trip to the hospital, only to find myself in the Cancer Center Infusion Suite. A young man sat across from me with his eyes closed, and his fingers tapping on the edge of a chair, in tune to whatever song was playing on his ipod. A quick needle change and I was out, back to my car, with the open sunroof, and sunglasses perched on my nose.
I wished you were here.
Maneuvering through downtown traffic, I got lost and had to retrace my steps, only to find myself heading the wrong way. Thank goodness for iced tea and good tunes.
Finally at home, I cracked open my books and studied up on viruses. Retroviruses, DNA viruses, proviruses. Viruses that cause cancer or unwanted lesions, and those that are fatal. Vericella/Zoster viruses. HIV/AIDS. Round and round I went. Viruses this. Viruses that. I took a much needed break.
Another IV, a four hour one this time, so I cozied up on the couch and uploaded photos. Photos of a hike in the woods, and of Halloween fun. Of '20s folk, and ninja assassins, and nurses with wolf faces.
Now it's Friday night and after such a full day I realize that this evening should be spent doing just this.
Dreaming of us.

These stairs are narrow and I wonder how I'll make it out of here.
You and I, we were invincible. Two birds floating above the world.
Let's rewrite those lonely patches of gray and make something beautiful.

And the wind is blown and cold,
And I can't escape the tears.
One for every broken bone,
And a hundred for all the years.
The Stills

The sky is blue, the sun is shining, the birds are flocking outside my windows, and I think I'll celebrate this November rarity by retreating back into my Benadryl induced coma.

Until next time..
'snooze...

Following my bliss.

I feel a restlessness settling into my bones.
There's this raging spirit that's constantly suppressed by my physical limitations. I can't run down the street screaming at the top of my lungs, damnit, but if I could, I would.
And, of course, I hardly ever put a string of words together with the expectation that it'll sync coherently with my thought processes.

An appreciation and acknowledgment for my day-to-day life isn't going to come from anywhere but within. That damn good GPA? I'm aware of it. Taking photos, sketching little elephants and doodles, writing a mindless blog, not for artistic worth, but for those few minutes of release from the pressure of a chronic illness- I savor that. My breathing? The challenge I confront daily when I march up that hill; I'm aware of it. This spirit, this unwillingness to let anything overwhelm the balance, that's yours truly. Just me.

And hope, it's internal.

"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others, for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness, and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone."
-Audrey Hepburn

Hard to beat a Thanksgiving feast on Halloween, surrounded by beautiful people and delectable desserts.

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

Dr. Seuss

Vaudeville & Trash

Oh, to be a child again, to see the world through their eyes, as a place of endless possibility, to be enchanted with the little details the rest of the world looks past.

I think it's still there, the world where everything is within reach, no dream too unattainable. I just think we've shut our eyes to it. Decided that childhood optimism is nothing more than naivete that fades with age.

Time to open up our eyes and see the world around us, with new eyes, a child's eyes. Because the sky's still blue, and the grass is still green, and I still wonder why. And who knows, maybe one day I will be a mermaid.

There are four questions of value in life.
What is sacred?
Of what is the spirit made?
What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for?
The answer to each is the same.
Only love.

--Johnny Depp

Insightful AND handsome..

All I want is a room somewhere,
Far away from the cold night air.
With one enormous chair,
Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?
Lots of choc'lates for me to eat,
Lots of coal makin' lots of 'eat.
Warm face, warm 'ands, warm feet,
Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?
Oh, so loverly sittin' abso-bloomin'-lutely still.
I would never budge 'till spring
Crept over me windowsill.
Someone's 'ead restin' on my knee,
Warm an' tender as 'e can be. 'ho takes good care of me,
Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?

My Fair Lady

When we're all in a crowd, and you catch her eye,
And then you both smile, I feel so good inside.

It feels so good to know two people,
So in love, so in love.

They are friends of mine, they are friends of mine,
And they've got something, it's so hard to find.
They are friends of mine, they are friends of mine,
And they've got something, you don't often find.

She takes your hand, when the world stays outside,
That's something to see, that's nothing to hide.

And when I feel bad, when people disappoint me,
That's when I need you two, to help me believe.

It feels so good to know two people,
So in love,
So in love...

The Zombies, Friends of Mine

This theory of mine, the one where I state that I like wearing pants and cold-weather attire, well, it might need to be modified. My nose still recovering from a chilly afternoon spent outdoors, I retract my statement that this is the weather in which I thrive.

A revised theory: this is the weather in which I need to buy woolen socks.

“I like flaws and feel more comfortable around people who have them. I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions."

Augusten Burroughs

"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."
- Roald Dahl

"We're all a little weird, and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them in mutual weirdness and call it love."

Kanye West:

Yo, God, I'mma let you finish, but Sega made the best Genesis of all time.




... poor guy, Obama even called him a jackass.

Do more than belong: participate. Do more than care: help. Do more than believe: practice. Do more than be fair: be kind. Do more than forgive: forget. Do more than dream: work.
--Anonymous

"Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world."
— Marilyn Monroe

If you are a dreamer, come in,
If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar,
A hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer …
If you’re a pretender, come sit by my fire
For we have some flax-golden tales to spin.
Come in!
Come in!

Shel Silverstein

To help pass time, I brought a tiny notebook that I use as a sketchpad, and a few pencils to the hospital. And this morning a resident stopped by, and chatted a bit, before noticing it. He asked if I sketched, and I brushed him off, saying, yes, but nothing worthwhile, and he just laughed and said I shouldn't doubt myself, that everyone's an artist at heart.

What a vote of confidence at 6:30 am.

"And in that moment, I swear we were infinite."

--the perks of being a wallflower

I've been to Hollywood,
I've been to Redwood.
I crossed the ocean for a heart of gold.
I've been in my mind, it's such a fine line,
That keeps me searching for a heart of gold.

I'm crossing my fingers that this Meropenem nebulizer does the trick.
It would be such a thrilling prospect to be able to deliver the medicine straight to the source of the problem, instead of pumping its IV form into my blood stream in hope that it gets to the lungs in a timely manner.

Crossing fingers.

Only problem, it sort of tastes the way Florida well water smells.

Today, a thick fog fell over the city, enveloping Boston with rain clouds, and I was as cozy as a pea in a pod. Alas, I took a nap.

I'm not sure what is going on.

I was laying in bed last night after the shower of all showers [[there is nothing better than washing away the hospital wear and tear]] attempting the futile quest for a comfortable position on a plastic, Mass General issued mattress, when I found myself bursting into tears. The tears were seriously flowing, and not stopping. I cried over being exhausted and finding it so hard to snooze. And for that time when I was five and I packed up a doll stroller with hair curlers, my favorite pair of shoes (girl's gotta be prepared), a popsicle, and a bag o' grapes, and I walked out my front door and onto the neighbors lawn in full rebellion mode, when I realized my plan to run away from home had hit a bump; I wasn't allowed to cross the street. For the loss of my childhood naivete. Over the unfortunate but true fact that I've yet to fully accept; Alexei Rodriguez really has parted ways with 3 Inches of Blood. At least I have the memories, of him and their 2004 glory, sharing a tiny stage with Exodus. [[Oh Palladium, you did my ears proud.]] For the loss of my dear Cheyenne to the swampy bogs of Florida; may the alligators and mosquitoes spare you and go for your drunken neighbor instead.. For Kelly girl, the sweetest dog I've known, the only creature I've met who ate ten pounds of raw flour without a hitch. And a cable box. And a table. Oh, and drywall. I cried for my slightly battered lungs, and their overwhelming impact on my life. The prospect and reality of a transplant hit me full force and I wanted nothing more than to be miles away from my impersonal hospital room with it's beeping IV pumps and sterile glove boxes lining the walls. I cried for a cure.

At some point I must have realized that the bubonic plague outbreak of the 18th century was not, actually, my fault, and the comfort in realizing how ridiculous I was acting calmed me into sleep. I woke up this morning to find my nurse standing at my IV pump, wiping tears from her eyes, only to apologize and say that she didn't know why she couldn't compose herself, it was just one of those days.

I understood.

THEN!

The physical therapist, a dear woman who I'd gauge to be in her 30's, perhaps, and who I just assumed was married with kids, announced her crush on a twenty-two year old guy in a band and that she was proud of her initiative to befriend him on Facebook.

This place? It's making us crazy.

Two drifters, off to see the world,
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end, waitin' 'round the bend,
My huckleberry friend, Moon River, and me.
--Frank Sinatra

Color my life with the chaos of trouble.
--Belle&Sebastian

"Ma'am, trying to have a conversation with you would be like trying to argue with a dining room table"

I saw 500 Days of Summer the other night. Afterwards, I found myself in a heap of tears.

Not because the film was awful, or because I spilled my popcorn, but because the parallels between the film and real life broke my heart. It was honest, and subtle, and that's a rarity these days.

And so, when it was over, I walked out of the theater, threw away my bag of popcorn, and realized that sooner or later, I would actually have to face my life. And that, I think, brought tears.

I've been on a cleaning frenzy that is nearing its close. I've discarded boxes upon boxes of unnecessary trinkets and straight up junk. I'm cleaning out my belongings in place of clearing out my mind; it's far easier to organize a defined space than to rifle through and sort out months of stashed memories. That said, it feels damn good to be letting everything go. I'm convinced of the theory that letting go only makes room for something far worthwhile. SO: old pants, goodbye, linen pants at Anthropologie that didn't quite make the budget cut - my closet is yours. Welcome.

today is a beautiful day.
it's lovely being a l i v e.

One part caffeine + two parts anxiety = insomnia.









...............meow?

What an amazing planet.

I, personally, am smitten with this idea.
Leave me love notes, world, and I'll reply.

partners in crime;;

"What we call art is not only that which culminates in great works but rather a space where society carries out its visual production."
- Néstor García Canclini

Woke up to live my life, just like every day,
Jumping out of bed cause there are good things on the way,
A positive feeling in my heart, I knew I couldn't fail,
And the records I had ordered finally came in the mail.
So angry kids, go away,
No negativity today,
Every little thing seemed to go my way,
I gotta say it was a positive day!
-Good Clean Fun

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold,
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned.
-- William Butler Yeats

When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.
--Marcus Aurelius

I wish I had a disease that would one day get better.

If my body is just a shell, I wish I had chosen one with a few less nicks and cracks.

There are two parallel universes I'm traveling between -- my life, with my friends and my goals, and insecurities, and hopes, and daydreams, and my hospital life, with nurses and doctors and that constant nagging feeling of being isolated from the world.

During some admissions, it feels that I wait to receive discharge papers before I hit the pause button again and return to living.

But I'm learning how to adjust my 'lives'. The life before CF and the life after. If such a divide has ever existed.. I still have my mind, my thoughts, my soul, my compassion, my creativity, and my breath. But most of all, my drive. CF hasn't taken any of that away.

So yes, I'm Renu, I have CF, and I'm facing a transplant. But I am not CF.

Every woman is a rebel and usually in wild revolt against herself.
-Oscar Wilde

I want to be unapologetic. I want to jet through life and leave a trail of smoke and turned heads. I never want to settle into the predictability and comfort of life.

That may be put on hold until my Benadryl induced catatonic state subsides. A direct push into my port, and I feel a complete detachment from my body and within seconds, despite my brain's firm refusal to give in, I can almost feel it flowing in my veins, and I find my body settling nicely into the blankets and my head falling against the pillows.

This lack of energy has me frustrated. I want stimulation, I want to breathe life into my bones, and muscles, and faulty lungs. I want to stop the blood before it clogs my airways and comes pouring out of my mouth. I want a medical revolution.

But first, sleeeeep.

I wish I could wave my hands and reject the negativity. I'll study Maggie Gyllenhaal until I get it right.

yessir, it is.

...I've got sunshine, on a cloudy day ; )

When you were young
You were the king of carrot flowers
And how you built a tower tumbling through the trees
In holy rattlesnakes that fell all around your feet

And this is the room
One afternoon I knew I could love you
And from above you how I sank into your soul
Into that secret place where no one dares to go

-neutralmilkhotel

I never mention how grateful I am for modern medicine.
I'm beyond indebted; I owe my life to it.

Things to remember:

1. Always be Renu.
2. Self love.
3. Let it go.
4. Don't forget to breathe.
5. Bask in that sunshine, but don't forget to enjoy the rain.
6. Be mindful; of yourself, your thoughts, others.
7. Show compassion; to yourself, your thoughts, others.
8. Forgive. Always forgive.
9. Smile, or frown, or laugh, or cry. Be okay with what is, however life is.
10. Stay present.